Please read and digest this page before ordering or emailing, carping, or whingeing about postage, payment, TRACKING, or any other STUPIDITY to do with postage, carriage, or PAYMENT.

>This way Lulupie. Oh Sorry I thought your name was Reckorff, dear... GO on PRESS a BUTTON..

 
     
 
ORDERING AND PAYMENT
 
     
 

You may order from and pay us in the following ways:

 
     
  1) In person - Collect with no postage or other hidden charges. Pay cash or Switch/Visa/Mastercard/PayPal.  
  2) By Telephone - 01384 278646 (+44 1384 278646 International) and pay instantly by Switch/Visa/Mastercard. Note that if you are from Scotland or Wales (where my ancestors came from..) and are unfortunate enough to speak to me personally, please be patient as my hearing is not what it was. (You don't need to go abroad to be confused..).  
  3) Not by FAX - We no longer have a fax machine  
 

4) By email. Ideally, place your order stating requirements and location, receive our quote, then telephone and pay by card. We do not use a "secure site" for internet card transactions, so if relaying card details by email, please send in 3 separate emails for your own security. Note that we need your postal address and the three digit code from the back of your card as well as the card number and expiry date to process the payment.

 
  5) By PAYPAL.OUR DIRECT EMAIL (and PAYPAL) address is: majelectronic@btconnect.com a
  6) By post - Pay by cash (Recorded or Registered Post please) or UNcrossed Postal Order. Not far to Post Office, long way to Bwank.  
  7) By carrier pigeon - Payment as above but please make sure pigeon is good size as small ones no good in pie... No sparrows. Magpies accepted - Don't eat it but another one gone saves them shattin on the Yaris. (James, where's that friggin 410? Those dirty little bastids have shet on my car again. etc. etc.)  
 

8) Please note that our minimum charge for administration, posting, and packing to a UK address is £9.98

This unbelievably extortionate charge includes finding and packing the elsewhere unobtainable goods, postage, VAT. and personally taking your packet to the Post Office and obtaining a postage certificate for it. And then following all the Mommies back to work as it is now 3,30pm and they are picking up their siblings fron school in the MPV (I had to F WALK Jack) whilst continually talking or texting on their fecking phones - take 120 seconds to move at the F traffic lights. Where are the ANPR CAMERAS!!!!

Overseas please ask for quote. Postage note: ZARG: £0.01p, MARS/Venus: £0.02 (Please good feedback or Great Queen of Zarg will change you into a DUCK with one leg - Happened before.. He only said he didn't like the Reverb.... Couldn't swim either.. RIP. Or you may reincarnate as a goldfish in a tank with no top and two rampant Tom cats as owners beloved pets...)

 
     
 
SPECIFICALLY:
 
     
  1) We accept cash in GBP, Euros or USD.  
  2) We accept most major credit and debit cards (Switch/Solo/Visa/Mastercard/Maestro etc) but NOT American Express. Note also our Barclays PDQ terminal will not accept ELECTRON cards for telephone transactions. (Dont know why, just the way it is...)  
  3) We ONLY accept bank transfers and CREDIT cards for items over GBP20. Please email us for our bank details. And please add £3 to all bank transfers to cover charges, and note that "instant" bank transfers may take up to 3 (working) days to reach our account. This is the instant ELECTRONIC age!!! Note the correct term for collection of bankers is: A wunch of bankers...) Don't start me on that one... OR politicians... (Q: How do you know when a politician is LYING? A: His mouth moves...) And I'm getting more and more convinced that when these people were born, they threw away the person and reared the AFTERBIRTH..  
  4) We accept Postal Orders from any country, but they must be in GBP (English £)  
  5) We do NOT accept cheques of ANY sort - NO - NO - forget it. Don't do Kites..  
 
6) We NO LONGER accept payment by Western Union. Nothing wrong with this payment method at all, never had a problem, but simply my local WU outlet has closed down and I'm dammed I'm going to drive 10 miles to retrieve my £4 quid. (BIG PROBLEM is the Donkey died. On the + side had Donkey curry, Donkey steak, Donkey stew, Donkey sweetbreads, Sick etc...)
 
  7) We may accept dogs, goats, pigs, sheep (prefer Merinos), derelict Lotus Elans/Esprits, Astons, Jags, Lambrettas, old Leica or Zeiss cameras, etc. but absolutely NO horses, cats, Vespas, or Prakticas. (Can't stand horses, cookin' fats or wasps - dont even ask about Prakticas.) Eclats/Elites pay me I might.take 'em...XK120/XK140/XK150/Early E/XJRS, please come in Sir, sit down and have a cup of tea.. No charge for the botulism.. Or perhaps a nice DB5 or 6 needing a bit of attention.. Or a Seven.. Or a Ghibli.. Or even a 3500GT while we are on Massers... (Dream on Michael..)  
  8) VAT is chargeable at 20% on all items and postage unless specified otherwise. Note that if you are overseas but live in the EEC you have to pay VAT unless you supply your VAT/IVA registration number with your order. Outside the EEC you are not liable for VAT  
  9) PAYPAL - please email us for our paypal payment address. (It is our email address - I think I already said that Pedro).  

POSTAGE METHODS

 
     
  1) All consignments are sent out via traceable or trackable services. We do not send ANY items by cheaper or other services. Reasons obvious unless you are a crook..  
  2) UK parcels or packets up to 2Kg are sent out via Royal Mail Signed For (Recorded) service. (Packets up to 750 grams costs £4.50 - one knob or a 749g shedload of bits it is still £4.50)  
  3) UK parcels over 750g. or odd sizes are sent via Parcel2Go using the best option for your needs. Found to be very reliable, cheap, and with insurance and tracking.  
  4) Guaranteed next day delivery by Royal Mail Special Delivery (registered) service is available at extra cost. ASK.  
  5) International parcels up to 2Kg are sent by Royal Mail International Signed For service with optional insurance  
  6) We no longer send international parcels over 2Kg. Arrange your own collection. A charge WILL be make for correct packing.  
  7) Note our postage prices are usually rounded up to the next pound to pay for time/packing materials used. (Let me get this right: I take the order, generate an invoice, print it, stand there and pack some stuff I have had to crawl about the LOFT to find into a box that I have paid for, then drive to the Post Office and post it all for 30p) - WHAT A FECKIN robber I am!!  
 
POSTAGE AND CARRIER SPECIFICS - MUSTA READA THIS CHAPPA
 
     
  1) Overseas you MUST arrange collection for items over 2Kg. by your own carrier/forwarder.  
  2) UK you are welcome to arrange collection by your own carrier of any spares order. We welcome this.  
  3) REPAIRS are only available to personal callers. We DO NOT accept repairs by post or carrier or third party delivery as need to sort possible customer DH problems on the spot to alleviate future grief)  
     
 
TRACKING AND OTHER SILLINESS - YOU MUSTA ALSO READA THIS
 
     
 

Most of our domestic and International packets are sent via Royal Mail. We have found their service to be excellent, with only a small number of problems over 35+ years. And all of those were reported as "Not collected, lost, fraud, damaged", or other countries mistakes or delays. All were taken seriously and investigated by the Post Office. Be aware that International delivery times quoted by Royal Mail and other carriers are not to be taken seriously (but usually due to the inefficiency of other countries racked off postal services) and should be multiplied by at least three to be as nearly inaccurate as possible...

 
 
SO:
 
 

1) Please understand that when you pay me postage for an item you are then responsible for it. It is your money, your item, and therefore your Problem.

2) After I receive your payment for item and postage I then post it out to you, obtain PROOF OF POSTING AND A TRACKING number which I send to you. That is the end of my liability.

3) SO it is then UP TO YOU to track the item. It is NO GOOD carping at me - you have the Tracking number - you paid for it - contact the PO or carrier. THEY have your goods, not me.

4) If I send an item and I pay the postage, it's MY responsibility, so I will do all I can and naturally ignore all your emails.

5) You can track Royal Mail traffic on the "royal mail.com" website. (The fact that the tracking number is acknowledged also proves to the disbelieving feckers that we have in fact posted the item when we said we did..)

6) Note Royal Mail ONLY track International traffic until it leaves the UK. When they report that the parcel has been passed to your country for delivery, that means YOUR LOT HAVE IT. You should then be able to track the item on your local post office site, as "International incoming". From experience, don't hold your breath..

7) PLEASE! If you are overseas DO NOT ask me HOW to TRACK your parcel on YOUR local website. I do NOT speak de lingo. Try asking your Mother or a smart kid or the Donkey..

8) If the consignment is returned from overseas for any reason, please note there will usually be another huge delay before Royal Mail eventually receive it (battered) from YOUR lot at the UK International Returns Centre in Belfast, NI. Royal Mail then return the package to us within 24 hours.. Odd that.. WHAT IS YOUR problem panga post???

9) All shipments from us are insured for correct amount so that you/we will not lose money, but note that some HH spares CANNOT be replaced, and that:

10) Royal Mail will only consider compensation for lost after 10 working days (UK) from posting. So you/we must wait. DON'T MOAN AT ME fella...

11) Royal Mail will only consider compensation for lost after 28 working days (International) from posting and takes up to 90 days to get paid. So you/we must wait longer. (Ditto above)

 
 
Please NOTE that any shipment containing magnetic materials (e.g. Loudspeakers) HAS to be shipped SURFACE MAIL
 
     
 
POSTAGE COSTS
 
     
 

Are dependent on the weight and size of your order and where you live.

Please contact us by phone, fax, or email, for a postage quote to your location.

Please give your location in any email correspondence - it is NOT apparent from your email address.

I need to write this again as some READERS cannot - er - READ.. Odd that.. Talk very fast though (See Quotations page)

Please give your location in any email correspondence - it is NOT apparent from your email address.

 
     
 
 For example if you are Cackernacker1888@greensnail.com you may be from the UK, but more likely you are from the Americas, Australia, or even one of the surrounding galaxies. I don't know where you are unless you tell me. Sometimes we do get a hint of your location from the email content - note we, and many of our customers and friends, are from another planet - but it is not sufficient for an accurate postage quote. Also apologies to Cackernacker1888 if he is out there. Note postage to Mars is cheaper now the Curiosity has been paid for by the American people.. Calling all Martians - order NOW..